Waaaaahhhhh

A friend posted this article on my facebook wall this week and asked me my opinion of it.  I have read the article a few times and played around with it in my head today off and on and I'm not exactly sure how I feel about it.  I am ok with certain parts, I guess.  She is not saying to let the baby cry-it-out.  She is not talking about leaving them in a dark room because that's what they need... but she is talking about letting them cry.  So, is it any different just because you hold them while they cry???

I really am annoyed at people saying that an attached mom just offers the boob instantly for the first whimper. Ezzo says that in Babywise and attributes the attached mom offering the breast to the obesity epidemic in our country.  I think that's totally ridiculous.  

“An anxious and irritated parent (crying does irritate!) will most likely do what brings the fastest relief – give the breast or bottle. The baby almost always accepts it, calms down and often falls asleep. Of course, this is the right solution if the baby is hungry.  However, if the baby has other needs (for instance being tired or having pain), she will learn to expect food in response to these other needs, and grasp the breast or bottle even though she is not hungry.” – Magda Gerber, Dear Parent: Caring For Infants With Respect

I can see her point that it is not good for food to be shoved in the baby’s mouth for any and every need, I do think there is a difference whether the baby is being breastfed or bottle fed.  And please, realize I am not talking about breast milk versus formula!  I don’t care if we are talking about breastfeeding and giving a bottle of breast milk!  My point is that the breast is much more versatile and can be used by the baby for comfort, closeness, pacifying, etc.  The baby will nurse differently if this is their goal instead of nursing for hunger.  The bottle does not offer that same versatility because it releases a constant stream of milk unlike the breast.

Moving on, it seems to me the author is trying to say that our motivation in stopping our babies cry instantly is from our insecurities about the way we were raised and not being able to feel deep emotion.  She also thinks that we stop the baby’s cry because we cannot stand the crying, it makes us frazzled and stressed.  I do not like my baby to cry and I do have hormonal, emotional reactions to his cry.  I am not reacting to his cry because I need to stop the noise and in return my stress level.  I stop his cry because I know his cry is his voice and he is using it to tell me about his needs!  I then take action to meet his needs to the best of my ability.

“Why is it so difficult to hold a crying baby and to accept the crying? Probably because few people were allowed to cry as much as needed when they were little. Your parents may have tried to stop you from crying when you were a baby. Perhaps they gave you a pacifier, or kept trying to feed you, or jiggled you every time you cried, thinking this was what you needed at the moment. Perhaps they tried to distract you with toys, music, or games, when all you needed was their undivided attention and loving arms so that you could continue with your crying.” –Aletha Solter, Aware Parenting

When I cry I want to feel better and sometimes crying does that for me but usually I feel better by being comforted by someone like a good friend, sister, or my husband.  I can be comforted through talking or a hug.  In the same way, a baby is comforted through nursing, rocking, music, etc. which in my opinion, are all great ways to give the baby what he wants.

"Some parents decide to go for days without a shower, or to carry their baby all the time, in an effort to remedy this kind of crying.  Life gets harder, and parenting less enjoyable." Wipfler

I assume that statement is supposed to be about me, the attached mom.  That's fine.  it's incorrect.  My son usually does not cry unless there is a problem. He is such a calm baby and is incredibly content.  I have been truly blessed by him and I do wonder if his demeanor has something to do with the way we parent him.  His needs are met quickly, he is allowed to express himself as he needs to, he plays and explores, and is attached to his mama and papa.  Yes, I do respond to his cry quickly and I'm still ok with that. 

Babywise--From the Eyes of an Attached Mother

Earlier this week I posted a controversial article on facebook about Babywise.  It stirred a great conversation.  Actually, most of the responses were from mothers who have used or currently use Babywise. I appreciate the way the conversation on facebook ended with someone suggesting that maybe God knows the way we will mother and gives us our children accordingly.  What a mind blowing, humbling thought!  And really, I bet she is right.  I was encouraged to read the book to find out for myself.  I did read the book and I have to speak up.  I have never read a book and disagreed with more of it.  --I am about the tear the book apart but it's directly at Ezzo, not you, I promise!--

Ezzo really focuses a great deal on Attachment Parenting (AP) throughout the book.  As an attached parent who has now read his book cover to cover, I have to say he really does not understand what it is to be an AP.  He repeatedly refers to the attached baby as a fussy baby, the attached mom as a frazzled mom, and the attached father as one who sleeps on the couch.  I can tell you that is far from the truth in this attached household.  

By page 34 Ezzo and I had set the stage for our disagreement.  He says, "They [AP] claim that this is why you supposedly can never nurse too long or too often.  All wants are to be interpreted as needs, and each nursing experience is a deposit of love."  Shew, that's when I got out my notebook and started jotting down notes.  Guess what Ezzo!?  Newborn babies do NOT manipulate their parents.  Guess what else?!  Their wants are their needs! A newborns cry is their only form of communication.  It is their voice.  By crying a newborn is telling their parent there is something wrong, they have a NEED.  From day one I have viewed my sons cry as his voice and I am better off for it.  If a baby's cry is their voice and they are left to "cry it out" what are they taught in reference to their form of communication?  As far as Ezzo and I go, things all go down hill from there.

Ezzo says that AP stems from the Birth Trauma theory.  Where does he get this?  I've read Dr. Sears' book Attachment Parenting cover to cover and that is not where it comes from.  He explains how they have 8 children.  He is a pediatrician and his wife an RN.  They learned as they parented what worked best came from their God-given instincts as parents.  I do not think AP comes from the birth trauma theory, but lets say it did, my birth was not traumatic!  You can read about it here.  Kurt and I are not AP because we think Oliver was scarred from his birthing experience. Ezzo also bashes an AP moments after birth when baby comes straight to mothers chest saying, "Your baby will not be permanently impaired if there is a lack of physical contact with mom right after birth."  The moments of 'quiet alert' when a newborn is awake and staring intently at his mother and father are incredibly special and set the stage for a lifelong bond and loving relationship.

As I stated previously, Ezzo repeated refers to the attached mother as frazzled, baby as fussy, and dad as pushed to the couch.  As an attached mother, I have times where I'm tried but mostly I'm well rested!  I have time to exercise EVERYDAY.  I cook meals, grocery shop, visit with friends, spend time w/ my husband, and so forth every day.  My son does these things with me.  My husband has not slept on the couch one night since Oliver was born and we started our family bed.  He actually really enjoys it! (As for an increased risk of SIDS b/c of the family bed, check this out.)  Oliver is secure, attached, content, alert, and happy.  He is sleeping through the night (for the most part) on his own.  I did not force a schedule on him nor did I make him cry it out.

This covers several of my main disagreements with Ezzo.  Again, I am not bashing the mothers who are using Babywise.  I am sure you have content, happy babies too.  I just want to point out that I am an attached parent who does not fit the sterotype that Ezzo has for AP.  I am unsure if you all have read anything about AP, but if all you have read is Ezzo's truly skewed take on attachment parenting I encourage you to go to the library and check out AP for yourself.  I read your book, now you need to read mine!

Thanks for reading.  Much, much love!